Deliciously Nutritious Relationships

R: So, Engina, quick test, Julie missed quite a bit of last, yesterdays and Nancy missed all of it, so, it’s up to you, quick recap in 3 minutes.

Gina:  OK, so yesterday w

e started by covering about the dots which we should have when it comes to relationship, basically what happens is it’s not about your current thinking, logical thinking, but it is about how the relationship is, what does this mean? We need to understand that our thinking might be limiting us to having the relationship we are supposed to be because we’re going with the same mentality that we have had before, so how do we improve so that we ensure that we have a relationship that is meaningful? We can start through mastery of relationship is coming through books, through sessions like this or through gathering with your friends.

Something you need to note, that is that the problem with most of the information out there, it’s starts by making us realise that we might not be worth and that is not the mentality that we need to go with, you need to. We need to embrace ourselves as we as we are, and we need to understand that in any relationship it is about our journey and what we can get from it. Ultimately you need to consider what is it that I want and what are the values that I can bring in and what are the resources that I have? Hopefully I summarised it.

Participant: Wow, well done,

Engina:Thank you. Sorry I’m a toastmaster, it helps sometimes

Rob: Nicole, Engina miss anything? 

Nicole: Connection. Sorry, what’s the question? I might have missed that bit

Rob:  Let’s give us the answer before you get questions, the homework, okay, so Engina  was just summarising last night and did she miss anything or did you have a different

Nicole: Connection, you talked about connection when I was on

R: I can’t even remember what I talked about what was it, the game of relationships yesterday

Nicole: Connection, can you hear me Rob, that was a big thing from what I remember last night, the thing is you think you’ve got a connection, what is the connection? Is it somebody that you can happily spend time with, or is a connection when you have shared goals and Same values and you want to move in the same direction? 

R: Okay, when do you feel connected to someone? 

Nicole: It can be straight away.

R:  Okay, and so have you been in relationship with someone you felt really connected to?

Nicole: Well, I thought I was, 

R: Okay, were you connected to them 100% of the time? 

Nicole: No, 

R: So, there is always connection and disconnection and it’s a is a constant spiral, a constant like Infinity loop.

Nicole:  And is that a normal?

R: Yes, you can’t, connect when you agree you connect, you share something, when you feel the connection, like the core of you and the core of them, that’s when you have a connection. There’s going to be times when one is in a bad mod or you have a difference of opinion or something like that, and it’s going to create a disconnection, so the message of yesterday is that it’s really not about the relationship, it’s about your relationship journey, It’s not about you getting this relationship, and it’s all set and done but it’s about a relationship is, what they call an infinite game, meaning it’s never over, there is never a win, there is never a loss it is  just the journey. So,

Nicole: So, surely it, then it at the end of a relationship, that’s a loss, isn’t it?

R: Okay, so that might be a loss to the relationship but that’s not a lost to the game.

Nicole: I thought if it was the end of the relationship its feels to me like it’s game over

R: Okay, so, what we are talking about here is finite and infinite games, so a finite game is a game that has, like, if you have a game of football at the end of the 90 minutes, whoever wins, the game is over, but then there is infinite games, so this comes from the work of James Carrs and James Carrs said, so, if you’re a musician, the game can never be over can it?

Nicole: You can always play another tune, can’t you?

R: Because, you can always try it for better, you can always, so life is an infinite game because your always, I think what we were talking yesterday was, many people want the game to be over, so like as I say the fantasy of the lottery is the idea that you have won this money, you don’t have to worry about money anymore and it’s just done, I’m secure, that’s it,  that’s that worry ticked off my box and lot of people are trying to do the same with relationships, it’s like, I’ve met this person, I don’t have to worry anymore, whereas an infinite game means that there is no end, you can always do better and there is always going to be some challenge and so, in both of those, in the lottery and in the relationship for example, what we are trying to do is shy away from life, because life is about the challenges, life is about wave after wave and the art of living life is surfing the wave, and not trying to box up this little bit of water and saying, that’s it, that’s done , because what,, what happens then, if you took that little bit of water away, like, it would just stagnate, and I don’t know if that analogy works, does salt water stagnate, I would imagine, if there was no flow, but anyway, if you took water like in a river, it’s always going to flow and it’s going to renew but once you take it away and you try and say that’s it, it’s boxed away, then it dies and the same thing happens to people, if you box them away, if you say this is it, this is how it’s always going to be then there is no growth and people become unhappy and people become bored and that’s where relationships lose all they’re passion and become stale.

Participant: do you think connection and attraction are the same thing,

Rob: sorry, connection and attraction, no, I think attraction is something, okay, so, attraction, connection, relationship, if you were to order them hierarchy, which one would come first?

Nicole: Attraction

Rob: And which one would go at the bottom

Nicole: As in, what happens first you mean or, 

Rob: no, I mean, as in, so, they are different levels, there different levels. That’s a higher level. A lower level and a lower level, aren’t they? only. 

Connection, relationship, and attraction. Then I would say.

Rob: Which will be higher? 

Participant: connection

Rob: what about Nicole, Engina, Nancy, Betty

Participant: I agree. I mean is it important what you’re talking about in the relationship, attraction would be the first thing because it’s the visible thing, if your attracted to someone physically or not, connection is when you talk to them. Or you get a vibe from them, because that’s another thing you know, you can receive people’s energy. I don’t know what’s the right term or not, but sometimes you know you send that group and you are immediately drawn to someone.

Participant: you know what, I think I can connect people easy. I mean obviously you know you have got the physical attraction, but I think I get more and more attracted to a person once I’m connected to the, I think that’s what builds the attraction for me, that what magnetises me even more. 

Participant: I agree, I think once you establish that, that’s what draws you in.

Rob: I would put connection at the top and attraction at the bottom personally, I think, like you could be, like you could see a picture of someone and be, ah, their attractive, but you wouldn’t necessarily feel a connection, whereas, I think is a dance that the attraction is more when there is a connection, But I think connection is something bigger than connection. 

Participant: Can you have a relationship without the connection. 

Rob: Yes, I think a lot of people do. Can you have a satisfying one? I don’t think so, Hi Steven. Hi Sandra. 

Participant: You have made this so complicated that I am going to be late every evening, I had to go through so many things to try and connect to you, I think you don’t want me in the meeting, I have to protest.

Rob: you have rumbled me, you have to sign in every time

Discussion about connection issues

Rob: Nicole just volunteered you to give us a summary Sandra, of yesterday

Sandra, no…

Rob: Engina gave us a good summary, so, what were the 3 things we had to remember from yesterday

Participant: that connection is more important than relationship, 

Rob: What were the other 2

Participant: about not being on autopilot

Rob: Yes, Pilot the Plane don’t drive the car

Participant: watering the houseplant

Rob: Yes, nurture relationships

Okay, right, today we are talking about deliciously nutritious relationships, so, we talked yesterday about nurturing the relationship, so it was, the lessons were that connection is more important than a relationship, that nurture the relationship, piloting the plane not driving the car as in driving the car is like you just do it on autopilot, you learn how to do it and you forget about it, whereas a pilot learns how to do it but then they always have to be aware of what’s changing and monitoring it, so its talking about really, monitoring the signs of your relationship.  So, we also talked about really, it being about a relationship journey and not a relationship, because every relationship is going to end, it’s either going to end in death or its going to end in a break up and so much of the frustration that people have and confusion is because they feel limited and they feel it’s down to their partner and so it’s, you then get into this whole blame of thing, I’m limited because of them, so, we talked about acceptance, so the 3 key themes are challenge, every problem, Einstein said the solution to our problem is at a higher level of thinking and so we need to find the higher level and we also talked about, people always want to talk about the content and the content is limitless, like if there is a million relationships then there are a million different scenarios, and so you will get, like sometimes you will look on Facebook and you look on these groups and people ask these questions and it’s like, does your Virgo husband play golf and come home drunk, and it’s those kind of questions where it becomes limitless like, getting the answer to them is never going to help you.so context is more important than content and context is the way that you organise the information and it’s the structure of how you organise, so, something else that people are always looking for is, what’s a red flag, what’s a warning sign

And people feel, inherent in that question is that they are week, they are vulnerable and they are at the mercy of other people, therefore they think they have this great big list of all the red flags they will never get hurt, the reality is that life is always going to give you bumps so it’s about how you navigate through all of those things, so the power is in you and not in other people, because when you look at it, that it’s about the relationship then you’re at the mercy of your partner, and if it’s about you being vulnerable and you have  to know all the red flags it means your vulnerable to other people, whereas if it’s your looking and it’s ok, all of life is out there, good, bad and ugly and it’s about how do I navigate my way through this path, how do I navigate in a way that makes me feel stronger, so I also talked about 3 keys, which are Think free, meaning thinking free of dogma, thinking free of ignorance and thinking free of emotional biases, be strong , tell the story that makes you strong and Share joy, so the reason for coming to a relationship is to share your life, but it’s to share your life from a position of strength, people who go into a relationship hoping that the relationship will fix them or hoping that they can fix someone in a relationship always end up unhappy because you have started from a place of weakness, you have started from a place that you’re going to accept less.

So, what we are going to talk about today is deliciously Nutritious relationships, and we are going to talk about a way of how do you judge a relationship, whether it’s good or bad, how do you judge a partner and how do you judge how you are performing in a relationship.  So, I want to first talk about, the idea of deliciously nutritious is that in physical health we need certain things, we need sleep, we need to manage stress, we need to manage all of these things but what we need, we need nutrients, if we don’t have nutrients, we become deficient, if we become deficient, we get sick, now emotionally we also need certain things, we need emotional nutrients and if we don’t get those we feel unhappy and we get emotionally sick, what all of us do, what we are all built for is, we are built to strive for happiness, so, when we’re unhappy what people do is they go out and buy more, people change things, they will change their relationship because they are unhappy, they might not necessarily be unhappy with the relations but they are unhappy and they don’t know why they are unhappy and so the logical thing seems to be blame my partner, oh, if I was with someone else I’ll be happier and so people who are unhappy try to change everything else but really everything stems with us and so if we are unhappy it’s about why are we unhappy and what do we need, what do we need to be happy, so, we are talking a lot about, don’t know if you can see this, David Hawkins talks a lot about power vs force and the whole idea about power vs force is there is a line, below this line is about force, control, about trying to manipulate people, about trying to strong arm people into doing what you want them to do, above that point is the point where you feel happy, you feel strong and it’s about like you charisma, your strength, your magnetism can pull someone to you, he isn’t talking about relationship’s, he is talking about, you don’t have to force situations of your strong enough, so nutritious relationships are one’s where you get what you need, so, what do you really need from a relationship, we need love, connection, acceptance, respect, all these things but it’s really about 4 key areas, I think it’s about the need to be safe, to be seen, to be satisfied and we need to be supported, but this is really, okay, so you have 4 key things, so, it’s being seen, like feeling like I matter, and so that is being seen, that means at one level it is being heard, a deeper level it is being understood and at a deeper level it is about being appreciated. So feeling safe is feeling like I belong, this is a relationship I belong in, so, at one level it is feeling secure, at the next level it’s feeling embraced and then it’s feeling defended, like someone’s got your back, someone is with you, so, the next one is feeling supported, like feeling I’m stronger because of this relationship, this relationship enriches my life and what that means is your free, free to go out and chase your dreams, free to feel you can take risks in the outside world because you have got that safe haven to come back to, it means you feel like your cheered, your partner is in it and really cheering you on and wants you to succeed and at the deeper level it’s about feeling your partnered, it’s about you feeling that your sharing your life journey with someone. So, the last one is feeling satisfied, I feel loved and so entertained is about connecting on a level of fun, fulfilled is about feeling emotionally fulfilled, I feel we connect on an emotional level and enchanted is about you feel delighted with your partner

Participant: That was interesting looking at that Rob, would you say if 1 part of that is missing, on one of those 4 elements that sort of leads to the relationship not being right

Rob: Yes, so,

Participant: just I had a lightbulb moment 

Rob: Yes, because you might feel secure, you might feel supported and this is where you have great friends but there is a bit that’s just not satisfied and yes, so, if you have a gap anywhere it’s going to feel like there is something missing, it tends to be, like, we can be 99% well but if we have a sore finger or an earache or a toothache, that’s the only thing that brings it to our attention because generally we look at what’s wrong. So, does anyone feel that there is anything else you need that isn’t covered in that in a relationship or does everyone feel if they had that they would,

Participant: I have a question regarding attraction

Rob: Is it relevant Famu,

Participant: relevant to what

Rob:is it relevant to what we are discussing, OK, ask the question

Participant: to my understanding, do you think two people without mutual physical attraction can be together, be happy together without a connection

Rob: Okay, so, what you’re saying is if you feel a real strong connection with someone but you don’t feel any attraction

Or, the other way round

Participant: I can feel some attraction but not a strong attraction, would that be sufficient I’and the connection amazing

Rob: Okay, can you clarify the question please

Participant: So, if the connection is amazing but attraction, I mean physical attraction is not super strong   do you think

Rob: Okay, so the connection is great but the physical attraction isn’t strong

Particpant: Yes

Rob: It depends, because the thing is all of these questions depend, because they depend, we all have different, like different weight rankings on what’s important to us, some people can have a relationship without attraction because it’s not that important to them, some people can’t, so, what’s more important is, is it a deal breaker for you, it’s individual, it doesn’t matter what anyone else’s relationship looks like, it matters what works for you and so, that’s about what do I need, will that then make me above the line or will that make me below the line.

Participant: How do you relate, when you say above the line or below the line, how are you relating your needs to the line

Rob: okay, so when you look at, you’re looking at where is the point that it starts to affect your health, so, the line is kind of vague and it’s individual, but it is what do you need, above the line enriches you, below the line drains you. So, usually people go a bit down before it starts to affect

Participant: So, it’s a point of neutrality and you go above or below, so the line would be a kind of mutual point.

Rob: Yes, When Hawkins talks about, he says the turning point is pride and courage, so pride is below the line and courage is above the line, erm, so, yeah, it would kind of be like, on other scales I’ve seen boredom, boredom would be below the line, but I think, we all have different levels of sensitivity so, that’s why when we are talking about the level of content, it’s individual, you have got to know where, really, it is about where, you’re the one that needs to draw the line, it’s your line.

Participant: Okay Rob, how would you depict on this diagram or maybe not necessarily on the diagram but connected to somebody who has all of these quadrants filled, which to my mind I would say if I’m that fulfilled and that satisfied that I am, I would be feeling very generous towards a partner, in other words this is the stage I would be giving as much as I’m receiving to my partner, how would you depict that here, what will you call that spirit in you?

Rob: okay, then, that would be how you would show up to the relationship

Participant: okay, it’s like saying you feel fulfilled, you feel stronger and everything but is it, I wouldn’t call it feeling kind, there’s another word, what is it, generous, 

Rob: So, isn’t that really Love, you feel love so you want to show love, erm, so, when we are talking about the relationship journey, there is also the life journey which is really a scale of happiness, so, feeling bliss, happy, excited, optimistic, there is that scale so, where I am talking about connection is greater than relationship is ultimately, all there is, is individuals, if both individuals are really happy they are going to make the relationship positive and so the relationship is going to be positive, it’s unhappy people that drain relationships, so, ultimately what we are really in relationships for is to feel connected, to feel loved, so the biggest, our biggest  value adder is the happiness.

So, we have got 2 to cover today, and that is the one on the relationship and the next one is the one of how the partners show up, if you show up with vulnerability, so this level is how someone shows up, this is how the partner responds and this is the atmosphere that the, that creates, so, assuming you’re with a good partner that leads to them being, creating empathy, which what really creates the connection, but the opposite of that is, if you show up guarded then what that means is you stop anyone from really connecting with you and it creates a feeling of shame, like you can’t be honest, can’t show where you are vulnerable, which creates disconnection, so, like how do you see yourself, like, if you show up with integrity as in, you live up to the promises you make to yourself and others and you show up with integrity and that leads to, with a good partner, that leads to trust and when you have trust that develops an atmosphere  of freedom, the opposite of having integrity is she is being deceitful which then creates doubt which then creates an atmosphere of anxiety, so, these, you can’t really separate, so, this is the one I struggle with, I used to say respect, but, it’s about seeing the other person as they are, so I’m not really set n that word in presence, but, it’s about showing up and seeing the person as they are, which is a little built about understanding, it’s about being curious, it’s about being looking to know them rather than assuming you know them and in a good partner that then creates appreciation for being seen for being understood which then creates a mutual environment of respect .

Participant: Isn’t that about acceptance then Rob as presence.

Rob: What as opposed to appreciation

Participant:  no, no, no when you’re talking about presence, does that include emotional acceptance 

Rob:  yes, I suppose it starts with acceptance, but also, its starts with a feeling of acceptance then a curiosity to know who someone is and understanding

Participant: but also, their judgement is removed, what you see you don’t judge, you accept I

Rob: yes, it’s starting from the premise that, so, I always look at people and think, because sometimes I know some of the things, I say people get offended by, I know particularly people who have been in toxic relationships get hyper sensitive and so they are hyper sensitive to being judged, so I assume people, how people act,  if I was born with your genetics, your experiences, your temperament and your and  all the things that make you , you then I would do the same, so, I don’t think, its judging, I don’t think it because someone is a bad person, I think it’s because of a number of factors that have caused them to be like that, so, yes, it’s starting from that frame of why does someone behave as they do , and yeah, from looking to accept them as they are and not looking to change and so the next one is if you show up with kindness, in a good partner that’s met with loyalty and creates honesty because it’s a safe place, the opposite of these 2, and it could, these are merged because  either could happen, in response to either box, so , the opposite of that acceptance, what was that word you used Sandra? Acceptance, yes, the opposite of that is judgment and that is to criticise, to be contemptuous of, and when you get that, when someone does that someone is going to respond with defensiveness and stone wall typically and that then creates hostility and poor communication so, the line really here, is about control, everything below the line is about trying to control or manipulate the person, so when we are guarded, we want a response and we don’t feel being genuine we can get that response, when we lie it’s because we feel we are not god enough or our behaviour isn’t good enough or we have to be something different to get what we want and contempt and criticism are judging someone that they are not enough and trying to change them by shame, or by control, control is not the right word but shame or trying to, like you feel you can judge and criticise someone, that they’re going to go, yeah, yeah, your right, which no one ever does.  So, yes, the line, below the line is about control and manipulation and above the line is about freedom and that freedom means the freedom to be who you are, which is what I think people really want from a relationship, the freedom to be who they are and to love and be loved as they are and it’s that that really creates the connection.

Participant: Rob, I have a question between deceit and freedom, I’m Kenyan and I have my own cultural beliefs …………

We happen to meet again for the first time and he says the first date has to be in his house, my response is that this guy is disrespectful but he might not be coming from that perspective because for him it might be his freedom, he just wants to Netflix and chill but for me it’s like, what if I don’t like him and I need to exit, how do exit politely from his house, so how do you connect freedom and exit his house when it comes to cultural aspects

Rob: Okay, so, freedom means your free to be who you are, but freedom doesn’t mean you have to, so, when we are talking about navigating a relationship, it doesn’t mean you have to go along with their freedom, you just allow them the freedom to be, so that means in terms of navigation you say, okay, I understand, so that’s what you want but that’s not what I’m going to do, because that’s not what I want to do, I’m not going to force you to go out but I’m not going to go round to yours, so if you want to, so then we have to have something different from that, and really what it’s about is, either you go out or you go to his or he comes out, and so, that’s like a polarity, and that’s where people get lost on polarity, because, who is right and who is wrong and so this is why you need more detail to it, so, I’m not going to come round to yours because I feel disrespected, it makes me feel like you don’t care enough to come out, it makes me feel like you just want me to come round to hook up or whatever it is you feel and then it’s down to him to share what he really meant.

Participant: so, you need to have a language for negotiating, because you need to be respectful but you also don’t want to be antagonistic and you’re trying to come to something that’s a kind of consensus as to how to proceed and it could be that you don’t mind the person and you wouldn’t mind seeing them and again and then so you many of us need a language that is clear but not offensive.

Rob: Yes, so, so for me it’s about why, everything rests, okay, ‘I want you to come to mine for a date, so that’s, that rests on other pillars and those pillars are the assumptions and often people don’t want to tell you the assumptions as the assumptions are generally are ‘ I want you to come round because I want to hook up’, but, erm, when you go deeper, I think, I think you either find out there is a genuine reason why or you find out what their genuine reason is, and so, so what happens in that, there is a lack of clarity in that, ‘oh, come round to mine’ because in his head probably, I’m guessing is okay, I just want to hook up and he its more convenient if you’re here and where it is cloudy it’s kind of messy, it’s not clean and nobody really knows where they are, so he is going, well, she has come round so that means she is up for it and you’re going ‘well, I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt and then it’s just awkward so, being clear is really about being honest, okay, I think, it feels to me disrespectful because I think you want me to come round because you can’t be bothered to come out and you want to hook up, and then it’s clear, and then of he says no,no,no it’s because of this then maybe he is not being honest and he is still being vague but at least you have had the clear conversation and he knows where you stand.

Participant: To me something is missing from that invitation though because usually if someone has said to me ‘I’d love to cook a meal at home, would you like to join me’, that’s different from just saying ‘come round to mine’ you know, 

Participant: usually the first date, that’s why I say, I’ve noticed a couple of times, that’s why I said let me figure out the whole deceit freedom thing because it’s happened a couple of times including today and I’m thinking what is going on, what is the whole come to the home thing so I asked my friend and some say, maybe probably he just wants to Netflix and chill but probably where I come from going to somebody’s house on a first date he wants to hook up, this person clearly doesn’t want to be seen with you outside and he is fishing so he wants to take you to his territory finish with you and go away but I’m happy that I can clear that with truth.

Rob: I think, whenever you ask for more clarity, it is an opportunity to connect or to filter because you immediately clarify what does someone wants.

Participant: when you say filter, you mean, if you’re not on the same wavelength, basically, filtering out the chavs

Rob: I prefer to say that people that aren’t like you, so, erm, because they might be perfectly good people for someone else, so, yeah, what you’re really looking for is someone who is right for you

Participant: yes, so it’s about being honest and authentic so that if you’re not on the same wavelength you are happy to let them go rather than try and force it as it were.

Rob: Yeah, so really navigating relationships is about knowing, you have got to have awareness of what’s going on, when things are vague and you don’t know, like does he mean  a hook up or does he mean he is he cooking me dinner, erm, when you don’t know that, this is like so many people are asking friends but just ask the person because if you ask the person, straight away, either they have got something to hide or they go, no, no, I didn’t mean that, I wanted you to see my football collection or my Scalextric or whatever it is, so, it’s just letting people know, also, like, someone who has said that might not be a bad person, they might be someone perfectly, get along with, because this is the other thing, people will say, yeah, yeah, this Is all very fine but you need to meet somebody else, and in that is the assumption that, like your kind of here and everyone else is here, so your assuming that everyone else isn’t the same as you. Now, what people initially present as, because everyone is out, like, this is what I want then looking, everyone is looking for someone that they can pick up, put in their box and say this is my fantasy dream, and the problem is that everyone has got their own fantasy dream, so you can’t just pick someone up and move them into yours because, and this is where relationships get into control, because it’s no, no this is my dream this is better, and they are no, no, if you just do this everything will be fine and we will be so happy and then they go no,no,if you just do this and the reality is you wouldn’t be happy in this and you wouldn’t be happy in this because the real happiness is there and so, people want it to be over, tick that box and I’ve got enough money and tick that box, I’ve got a relationship, right, what I am I moving onto now, but it’s not, because where you’re going is somewhere that you don’t know yet

Participant: you know where you say ask them, you know whatever, you can’t always take people’s word for it, isn’t it a case of watching their actions rather than their words 

Rob: yes, definitely, yeah, 

Participant: just sometimes they just tell you what you want to hear 

Rob: Yeah, so, so I’m thinking if you go over someone’s house okay, first of all, that’s, I don’t know about your culture but in most cultures that’s a big risk for a female on her own.  So, there is a danger thing and someone that doesn’t understand that is not paying attention or thinking really of you and it can be a genuine thing, or genuine not thinking, erm, so, so yeah, I think you have to give people, as in being vulnerable, you give people a chance to respond, if they don’t, like if they don’t respond then it gives you information and tells you that they are not someone that you can trust, and, but the only way you find that out is from experience.

Participant: I don’t think there is any right or wrong answer to it, and , when, there is a thing that sometimes, it may be that they have got anxieties or something like that which comes from past experiences as well so, in that case that brings up kind of red flags for me, that they may not be ready to go onto a relationship, that they may need time to themselves to sort themselves out, so, for me that would be sort of, ok, we will call it a day and maybe we could be friends but I’m not going any further with this.

Rob: Yeah, I think your right, I think every example, like, I don’t like when people, I don’t like the ode of red flags and I don’t like the idea of very specific advice because like you say, everything, because everyone, like of you look at a graphic equalizer, all those different dials, we are all like that, we have all got different things, what would work perfectly for one person won’t for someone else, and so, so it’s also like, there is the whole self-help thing of like I was this failure and then I done this and now I’ve got like the shiniest teeth and the biggest house and the flashiest car and if you do the same you will be like me, but that’s not how people are because we are all made of different things so there is no one path in life, there is no one relationship, there is no one right answer, it’s what’s right for you but going further you understand more so, I think the problem in dating, the biggest problem in dating is that people work on assumptions and nobody has the real deep, the real conversations, like, come over to mine and then they are asking their friends and then like no, no, I’m not going to go to that, but no one is actually, what you have their missed is the chance for connection as in them to reveal why or the chance to know more about them and for them to say, okay, it’s really not right for me

Participant: It’s about finding out about where the anxiety has actually come from, working on that anxiety perhaps, maybe with them

Rob: yeah, maybe, yeah, it’s individual, maybe like, you know whether you want to get involved with someone that’s told you that or not, at least you know, the more information you have, the better it is, but people are afraid of, it’s not even so much  that they are afraid, some of its afraid and some of it is, there is a laziness in us, and that laziness is, I want to find that person so I can put them in my box and it’s like, here’s the tick boxes, got that, got that, got that, yeah, they sound like they will be ideal, people are jumping on the basis of tick boxes as opposed to human connection and understanding a person and so that’s like really the one accepting presence, respect, is understanding a person

Participant: but, when we see people in different contexts, in other words, with friends, out and about in different arenas, you know, we get, probably a much better idea of what that person’s really like and if you meet someone who doesn’t want to go out, doesn’t seem to socialise a lot, doesn’t seem to have many friends and probably wants to keep you to himself or herself then for me alarm bells go off and like okay, what is this person, is this person hiding something, is it always going to be like this because to me that’s it, that’s probably the pattern that the relationship is going to have, so it’s like, are we, even though we are not checking boxes so to speak, are we aware of the different things, the different signals that come at us when we see people and are we objective enough to look at them for what they are, because sometimes we over emphasise certain things which really throw us off balance when we are looking at another person because we have these preconceptions in our head and no matter how minor they may be they become the biggest things when we are looking at somebody

Rob: Yes, it’s also like the Halo effect, for example, someone who is good looking, they are judged to be more intelligent and to be more social, more confident, all these other things that they don’t have just because of one trait, so, yes, we over emphasise, but, I think all of these things, what I’m really talking about with piloting, is, you have to be aware of all these different things and all of them are an opportunity, if you come at them with curiosity and acceptance, of I’m interested, you like, you like, you don’t seem to be that interested in socialising, what’s that about? And then it will reveal introversion anxiety or whatever, but all of these things are openings in to going deeper in connection or for you to decide, just to summarise what we have done, so, a nutritious relationship is where you feel safe, seen, satisfied and supported, so that’s really where you can judge the quality of a relationship, in shorthand it’s does it enrich you or does it drain you.  You can judge how you show up by are you being vulnerable, are you acting with integrity, are you fully present and are you showing up with kindness or acting with kindness, and then you will drain a relationship if your guarded, if your deceitful, by criticising and being contentious, which I suppose both of those come under being judgmental, so, you can respond to, you can evaluate your partner by, when your vulnerable, do they respond with empathy, when your, when you show up with integrity, do they respond by trusting you, when your present, do they show up by appreciating you, when your kind, does that create loyalty from them, because in the wrong hands kindness can be seen as weakness and some people will take that as, oh, they will just do anything form me and that means I can milk them for all they are, some people will take vulnerability for weakness but really, and I think often vulnerability is often taken for weakness but what’s weaker about being honest about who you are or being afraid to be honest.

Participant: being afraid to be honest

Rob: hmm, Because, it’s like often people are frightened of physical violence, and someone is seen to be strong because they are physically violent, but actually, when you think about it, physical violence is the last resort, it’s the last weapon, because if we are smart enough we use words, if we are socially inept  enough, we will manipulate, but all of these are layers above physical violence, like the ultimate, the ultimate of the government, the ultimate of everyone is, who is the strongest, who will win in the war, and that’s what everything is based on, for example, for a country like ours, we are now quite a strong developed country, we, whilst we have force, it is more about diplomatic measures, political measures, countries like America , ourselves,  France, Germany, we don’t have to go to a smaller Country and we are going to beat you up, we are going to invade your Country unless you do this, because they know because the strength that ultimately that is what they are saying, you know, you do this or we are going to put sanctions on you, you do this or we are going to cut you out of deals and that’s enough because everyone knows if it came down to the war these Countries have the military might to do it, so in the same way, it can feel, particularly like male/female relationships, the man has the physical force but someone  is only going to use physical force if they have nothing else, so someone who doesn’t have social intelligence, someone who doesn’t have verbal capacity or emotional capacity to argue, that’s when  they become violent, sorry, I’ve gone off on a tangent, where is that about, it’s about control and our vulnerability, so yes, vulnerability is actually strength because what vulnerability says is , I’m willing to do the thing that I’m scared to do, I’m willing to say the thing that’s scary, the weak thing is to say I’m going to deny who I really am, does that make sense so far

Participant: yes, it makes perfect sense, can I ask, I know people who resort to physical violence are very weak, but to those who are abused who refuse to leave the abuser, is even weaker or not 

Rob err, well that’s not really about, because, when someone is in that situation, that’s someone who feels trapped so when you talk about weakness, are you talking about emotional weakness, physical weakness

Participant: character weakness

Rob: okay

Participant: they won’t leave even though they are being physically abused   

Rob: okay

Participant: do you meant that actually they are refusing or is it the case that they aren’t physically able to leave themselves

Rob: I think they are in a trap, and I think that when you are looking at that, I think who is going to judge someone like that, so where does that, like? I don’t see, okay, so I grew up in a boy’s school and so if you don’t have girls, all you do is fight, so, it’s very much about pecking order and it’s very much about, yes, it is that kind of ranking order, but if you’ve got male, female relationships isn’t going to be like, I’m harder than you. I could beat you up and fight so, so I don’t understand. I don’t see how you could judge someone, IYou could say someone is trapped, but I don’t think you can get anywhere by judging them. 

Participant, I’m not judging them as we were talking about weakness, strength, being vulnerable as an act of strength and denying ourselves is an act of weakness and you’re resorting to physical violence is an act of weakness but to those who are in abusive relationships refuse to leave, what does that say about them?

Rob: Okay, so have you ever have you ever felt trapped? 

Yes

Rob: How did you feel

Awful

Rob: Okay, so when someone stuck in a relationship they are trapped, they are trapped either by resources, by circumstances or by their own mind. So I don’t think that’s really about weakness, where someone’s, like all of us when we trapped, we are stuck is because we tied ourselves up in a knot, we’ve, we have two things, so we have the outcome that we have, we’ve got the framework,  like our whole framework or operating system or the framework and the assumptions that we believe,  are  set up to keep us in this situation  and we are refusing to change that and we are refusing to change the other likely outcome, so when we are in that trap, like someone who’s in that relationship where they, okay, so I, in one of the  groups I had a meet up  difficult relationships. It is going to be people looking about being in difficult circumstances and mildly awkward partners and it turned out to be people who were all being in domestic, domestically violent relationships, and so it was people going, Uh. I’ve got to leave now because I said I’m at bingo. And if I’m not back he will be asking where i am and I’ll get beaten up and these people were crying and this is fine, but I love him and I can’t leave. And. So somewhere is it’s about this confusion and so, so this woman was leaving and she’s like I’m so unhappy and that, and yeah, but when you look at dating and you look what it’s like and, I don’t want to be my own again and so people get stuck because of their own fears. So, we make ourselves weak from our fears, and so if we feel if we think that no one else is going to want us, if we think we can’t cope on our own, If we think that this is love, so you know, like. Someone is there crying to the room about how their partner treats them. Well, there is a confusion about what love is? Isn’t there because if they think that that’s what they love…

Participant: Abusers also think they abuse because they love. 

Rob: Yeah, so that’s a confusion about love is….

Participant: I f we judge the abuser, we could also judge the abused

Participant: Can I just say, It’s the way that that other person that has been conditioned during that relationship to feel the way that they do, that makes them stay in that relationship. Saying that they’re not going to get anybody else, nobody else want will want them the way that they are, they’re not, they are ugly, they’re no good, they won’t be able to survive on their own and things. 

All different things like that, they put them down, saying they are fat or too thin or a number of different issues like that, that makes them have to stay in that relationship with that person no matter what that person is doing to them, whether they’re going behind their backs with somebody else or. And take them, taking things off with them, or complete control over the money. Any other issues or whatever is going on in that relationship. That’s what makes them happen to stay in that relationship. 

Rob: And usually it often is someone like that who has come from a childhood where they were told they were no good, that they were useless and so there is the whole toxic relationship entanglement, but there’s also, and the other thing is that often, like when I talk about the fairy tale framework, this whole thing that if you meet the one and everything, it’s like this and then there’s this, that framework never works because their framework never works it leads to frustration and so over time, well you just settle, you know this is what relationships are, it’s not all Disney and so, so if you were going to judge on scale of strong to weak, yes, they would be weak. But their weak because of, they’ve never seen anything more. They’ve never been treated any better and so they don’t expect anymore. They don’t believe they can be any more so, to me, I wouldn’t call that weakness, but I would call it, I suppose, it is the circumstances that leads to them being weak in that situation yes. 

Participant:  you know the 4 things that you told us, safe, seen, satisfied and supported, you said those are the four fundamentals of a relationship, I would be interested in discussing those more and breaking them down, hearing from other people what makes them feel Safe, Seen, Satisfied and supported, just to get clarity on those, 

Rob: Yeah, ok, really when we are talking about Connection and disconnection, and we were talking about what are the fundamentals, what makes connection and so what, I think that’s a good point Essie, but what I would like to do, rather than us have a discussion here which, because there are more people it’s becomes diluted. I’d rather. How many people do we have 3, 6, 8 okay, a nice round number? okay, so we’re going to breakout room. I’m going to break up in twos so that there’s a conversation, because when we’re looking at disconnections to connection the central point, the basis of Connection is conversation, it’s how we connect. It’s like the human way. So if we’re go into break out rooms, so if everyone’s clear, so really, what I’m saying is that in a relationship we need to be safe to feel seen. To be satisfied and supported. To be fully satisfied in a relationship. Everyone get that bit. 

Participant: SO What are we actually discussing then? 

Rob: Okay, so in a relationship to feel seen, you need to feel safe seen, seen, safe, supported, satisfied Now what makes you feel Safe, what makes you feel seen, what makes you feel supported and what makes you feel satisfied? OK, so it’s just conversation based on that. Your interpretation of that. Your experiences of that, and I don’t want too prescriptive about what the conversation is, but I want to give you some starting point, because the very things that you are doing here in a conversation are more practise of how to have those conversations more, and I think we don’t have enough skills around having conversations. We don’t have enough practise at being vulnerable. We don’t have enough practice being present. 

Participant: Can you just confirm the 4th one, safe, satisfied and what, sorry. 

Rob: Supported, so, just to sum up. So really, we talked about three things and if I’m going to pick on one person. Nicole for ducking out earlier. 

Nicole: I knew you bloody would, 

Rob: Right, what are the three things?

Nicole:  I mean I’ve got many here to be fair. What are the three things of what? Sorry?

Rob:  Is this what you did at school?

Nicole:  I never went to school. 

Rob: I was always outside the classroom, so the three things that we, the three key things that, how do we judge a relationship. How do we judge a partner or potential partner? And how do we judge how we doing relationship?

Nicole:  OK, I might need some time to think about that one. 

Rob: Okay, does anyone? 

Nicole: Maybe I’ll ask someone else for their opinion

Rob: Are you going to phone a friend

Exactly, oh, alright, then anyone wants to put their hand up, Sandra, would you like to step forth,

Rob: So, the 3 key things are how do you change the quality of relationship? How do you judge the quality of a partner? How do you judge the quality of how well you’re doing? 

Sandra: Ah Okay, okay, so, so relationship versus partner versus yourself.

Rob: Yeah, the 3 key parts, 

Sandra:  yeah, yeah, yeah okay.and you would like make comments on each? Or can I just take one? 

Rob: Okay, you pick one then pick someone else.

Sandra: Okay, If I, think seriously about a relationship. I’m thinking of something that is, there is equilibrium in it, whatever it is, whatever that construct is that, that notion of that relationship. It is in equilibrium for both parties. In the sense that it is not unbalanced, it is not, it is not skewed to one partner more than the other. It is dynamic, it is, it is evolving. I think a stagnant relationship but takes you nowhere and is on the verge of death. Somehow? Even if the parties still stay within that relationship, it’s still technically a dead relationship. Maybe just two people occupying a space. Yeah, so to me, look at a relationship almost as a living construct in that what you put in you will get back out, it grows, it evolves. It nourishes the individuals, and it is a unit. Rob is gone. Yes, this is for the host. 

Nicole: Well, thanks for having my back there Sandra, I appreciate that, I’m overwhelmed

Sandra: You owe me one. 

Nicole: Yes, I Know 

Participant: That was Beautifully put, thank you so much, Sandra. 

Sandra: Your Welcome

Participant: Does anyone have the last one? Because he has put them in the box. He put the quality of a relationship, a partner and what was the last one. 

Sandra: Yourself

Participant:  For me, For myself I would have to feel the cultural relationship and it goes back to the four S’s I think, and Nicole and , I  think we had a good discussion about that, I Think, we’re looking at having feeling supported in the sense that somebody is there for you, but at the same time is not restricting your growth and your freedom,  so you feel free enough to be able to, to  grow without and also, not just growing, but also feeling as though you have somebody who will look out for you against the outside. Um and so that, that for me in particular, that, that is quite important, because that’s one of the things that I actually feel against my current, in terms of my current situation. That lack of support specially against those external, you know people or whatever you want to call it. Also feeling safe, and safe in the sense that you can be who you are without fear of any recrimination, feeling safe that you will be supported again but also feeling safe that you can be vulnerable and not taken advantage of, and then of course, being seen being heard being listened too. But also vice versa, because I think if you don’t listen yourself then you don’t know how best to respond to your, your partner and so to me part of that is learning to listen as well. So being heard by the other person is important. But I think at the end as myself, I need to learn to listen so that I can give the best feedback, because to me that’s how you converse. You listen, you, you reply and you get you know, you need to hear the right message and give the right reply response and then. What’s the other one I had so, satisfied, yeah, being satisfied I think is a notion, something that we strive for and if we are satisfied, I think we look into the relationship rather than looking outside of the relationship because we feel that there are gaps that we need externalities to fill and if we’re satisfied, I don’t think we need to spend time mulling over what if, should I do this because I don’t feel adequate, adequately stimulated, satisfied I am missing something. I’ve said enough. 

Rob: So, I keep disappearing. I came out of the breakout room and instead of closing the breakout rooms, I left the meeting. So, I’ve just came back before you come back and then my internet went, so I missed I missed that. Okay, well. Yes, so, so really, what we were talking about tonight were 3 frameworks, a framework for judging the quality of relationship and so that is really feeling seen, so really feeling seen is like Sandra Said about being understood, it’s about being able to be yourself and be accepted and loved for who you are. Um, being safe is, Betty and I were talking about this in the breakout room of being safe is , the governing idea, is that when you hurt the world stops and we make sure that you are alright , and so, it’s really about, the world is a cruel, l hard place and your and going to be come and be bashed and hurt and it’s about  having that safe space and it means that you can go out and it doesn’t matter if everything is going wrong at work and no one likes you because you have this place where you know this cocoon for your loved. Being supported so the top two are about your needs and wants and being supportive is about you’ve got needs and wants outside of the relationship, there is dreams that you want to follow, there are things that you want to do and being supported means on the first level it means there’s no control, you say can’t do this, you can’t do that and ultimately, has somebody got your back so that someone’s there, helping you in what you do when you have other responsibilities and you need someone to talk to, you need ideas you need any kind of support they are there  for you. Satisfied, it’s about your needs and wants within the relationship. So physically from affection, sex emotionally. The conversation, so there is a connection, and so it really is about all of those things and Connections to that. All those things that were only talk about in a relationship. So, the way that you get that relationship is by the attitude that you come to it, that a relationship of control is a relationship that is going to drain you, a relationship in manipulation or control is where you’re going to feel imprisoned. It’s where you’re going to feel that you can’t be yourself, you have to be something, so being free is like being free to be yourself and to be loved is really what we need to be happy, and so that’s really about showing up with vulnerability, and that vulnerability not being taken advantage of, about being accepted and being a connect an opportunity for deeper connection. It’s about having integrity because this one is really about yourself, but if you don’t have integrity you are going to feel bad about yourself, you’re going to look in the mirror and whatever the world thinks, whatever you can get away with, you’re going to know and if you don’t have integrity, ultimately, there is no basis for someone else to trust you, and if your partner doesn’t have integrity, then you can never trust what they’re doing and that’s always going to create anxiety and problems. It’s about presence, respect, empathy, about acceptance of who you are. If you come to a relationship and you feel judged, then that’s about control. That’s about someone’s got expectations for you to be something other than you are, they don’t love you, they love what they want you to be. So, it’s about when relationships get boring is because we, we have no longer have interest in the other person because we assume that we know who they are. We’ve taken them as this carbon cuts out like you. I mean what you like is there, so therefore I know where you are. So, the opposite to that is to have wonder and curiosity, and want to know you, and then the last one is kindness, we all screw up, none of us are perfect, and so what we are talking about is what we all want, it’s the ideal and none of us are going to be that all time because we are not that all the time, so the biggest frustration we have is, yeah, I’m doing this but what about other people, and what other people do is, they are either ready to grow with you or they are not and we are not going to go out and find this readymade person but the way that we connect to them, the conversations that we have, the way that we show up,  model the way that we work together to build something, It’s going to change them and it’s going to change us. So, we’re not the partner that we want to be and we’re not going to meet a person that is ready made but we can meet the person that is capable of becoming the person we want to be with in the future and so, it’s about someone that’s willing to go on that journey of growth, someone that isn’t stuck to their idea of what they want, and won’t move from that. Equally we are not stuck on our idea of what we want, not going to move from that, but we are open to the game of relationships, as in, we’re surfing the wave of life, without certainty where we’re heading, but knowing that we’re going in that general direction, and so we will screw up, they will screw up and it’s about the kindness, it’s about when we’re having a bad day, that we,  this is not meaning that we accept less than we deserve but, anyone at any time, can be less than  they are  generally, and it’s the kindness of accepting someone who they are and helping them,  you generally wanting to grow into who they want to be and so how we judge a partner is by do they have those qualities and how do they respond to those qualities in us, and so that is really the framework for, Because if we look at the content like you could look at a million relationships and you still wouldn’t have, like the pattern in the same way that a million businesses and a million peoples personal journeys are all different Because they are different people, all of the relationships will be different and so, It’s about this is the framework,  and where the line is  individual for all of us depending on the way that our dials  are set, So that is deliciously nutritious relationships and tomorrow we’re going to talk about the idea of a lottery of love and how that doesn’t work and how we can make it something that is doable for us, so to wrap up. If we go round and, anyone and everyone who wants to share, any insights, thoughts or words of encouragement for anyone else.

Participant: You haven’t mentioned the word tolerance, and I think that is a serious underpinning of all that we do within enough relationship, you know, to some degree

 Rob: Okay, so let’s talk about what does that mean, explain to us what you mean by tolerance,

Participant: What I mean by tolerances is not accepting things that are outside of what you consider to be good for you, you know, in other words I’m not advocating violence and you know all of those things, called having flexibility, you know the important things that govern how you behave within a relationship and the things that you consider to be important aspects of your relationship, but your behaviour and your partner’s behaviour, what is the,  how much leeway are you willing to facilitate,  how much do you give to make the relationship grow because people are not programmed to be robots, so you can give ABCD and they just behave in that particular, you know, according to those  instructions, they will operate along a spectrum and you have to be willing to tolerate some of that within the relationship you know,  to make it work. 

Rob: For me, Tolerance is the lines, where do you set the, you know, where do you set the lines? that’s where, that’s why you set the lines and I think when we’re talking about a graphic equaliser that’s really what a tolerance is, where, where is the tolerance level for you and that’s something I think is individual that you have to decide on all of those things so, 

Participant: Yes, but there’s a sweet spot, but you know, it’s like there’s a spectrum along that. There is a sweet spot that just works, you know, and it’s how to achieve that kind of equilibrium that works for both parties and when you recognise it, you’re In Sync. 

Rob: Yeah, yeah, I think all of these things are spectrums, and you’re going to meet people who are all over, and the real art of, of this is knowing, What’s the spectrum you know, like the,  like Sound waves,  like dogs can hear this and humans can hear this and Max can hear whatever it is, everyone’s got a different, It’s about knowing where those,  where those are for you and what connection really is, If we look at it like the matrix and in the matrix, they look at the situation. Like what’s going on and they’re looking at Norton ones, and so what we’re really doing is we’re looking at situations. We’re looking at where is that on the spectrum of this and the relationships that work are where you’re within the spectrums and someone also like the spectrum of somewhere, someone’s going to be, they are going to range depending on how they are feeling. And so, if the relationships good they are going to be better. When I have a bad day or was the relationship is bad, they are going to be lower and it’s about how they behave, some of it is from them, like their spectrum is from them. But whether they are higher in their spectrum or lower in their spectrum, is about what you and the relationship is activating in them is, one person can be different in another relationship because the way that the other person interacts, this is the chemistry part of it. So yeah, I think that the tolerances are lines and individuality that you need to establish.

Participant: Yes, but we need to know how to describe those, I think, not necessarily verbally, but depending on what it is, but we have to give an inkling, we have to know the boundaries and if we have to clarify, because we’re assuming that this person who comes into our life will just know just by observing you and interacting with you the limits of all of those boundaries. I need to be explicit. 

Rob: Yeah, I think, so when we had that thing goes like this is frustration to, So clarity is knowing that, capacity is knowing the boundaries, capacity and competence, so capacity is knowing where your boundaries are, where you thrive and where you don’t, Competency is the ability to express it and do that, Ermm Julie, you have been very patient

Julie: Yeah, I just wanted to say that I think tonight has been really insightful. I think the assertive four things for me and brought some sort of clarity, and I think you know to, to look at those. I’d never even thought about it before, but the elements that you need within a relationship for, for a relationship to be good if you like and I think that you know it, certainly I mean, I know that I was very tearful yesterday and I think that’s helped me to, to get some sort of, that’s for sure. 

Are you able to share that at all Rob, I can’t read your writing very well, but is there anywhere that, that is sort of available that, 

Rob: Not yet, I need to draw out the model on a proper thing, but I haven’t because of the circles and things it’s a bit more complicated to do.

Julie: Yeah, would you be able to do that and email it, I don’t know if anyone else wants it, but I’m certainly want to be able to look at it more closely and then take a bit more of it in. 

Rob: I’l have a look

Participant: It’s your homework

Rob:  I don’t I don’t know. Probably won’t be this week. I will. It will go up. I think that one’s More or less finished

Julie: Yeah, or if this anywhere that you know whether it’s, you know like, like they usually have a name these things, like Cole’s triangle of trust or you know whatever. 

Rob: No, it’s one I made up so it’s not anywhere else. 

Julie: OK, Rob’s  Circle of trust then 

Rob: yeah, that sounds like, isn’t it The Focker’s, 

Julie: yeah, but you know I think it was really, that was really useful it’s kind of helped me feel in a bit better place tonight than I was yesterday, so thank you. 

Rob: And from that situation, I think, most of us have been there and as you move forward and you see that, you see the future you can have, each day towards that makes you stronger and gets easier, anyway, thank you for being here and sharing.

Participant: Rob, can I just clarify quickly? What’s, how do we judge the quality of our relationship? Is that if we feel safe, seen, satisfied and supported? And how do we judge ourselves and our partner? And is that if we have the vulnerable integrity, presence and the kindness them and us, is that what you mean?

Rob:  OK, yes, long, long, But quickly, really. Is does it enrich or does it drain, so if you’re looking at 10/10 is totally enriches my life enhances my life, 0/10 is it’s completely draining my life, where, where? Where do you stand? And so probably 5/6 would be the line, below that, it’s taking away from your life. So, it’s that and so, then it’s the qualities. So, it’s mostly about do I feel controlled. Because when people feel bad it’s because they feel controlled or do I feel free, is when people feel, so free and the support helps you be free, and so the partner, do they enrich me or do they drain me. But then it is the other qualities when you want to know more details

Anyone else want to, any other comments before we wrap up.

Participant:  Just want to say thank you Rob. I think you’ve put into words what perhaps many of us feel and we don’t quite know how to express, and I think the, the line that you describe, certainly if you’re in a long-term relationship. There’s you know you can fluctuate up and down that line, so you’re in the kind of fruitful healthy relationship and at some points you’re in that negative, it’s knowing exactly when it becomes too negative or too draining and how to, you know, how to, how to stop that, how to, well, how to stop it for you and realise it for you and so I think you know what,  what you’ve shared tonight, or what everyone has said tonight, has kind of put a little bit more focus and clarity in that for me, so thank you. 

Rob: Thank you, so yesterday we talked about there is a graph, like the average graph of a relationship kind of goes like this so that kind of goes, it’s basically a downward spiral with the odd uptake and the line is there and once it just sinks below there, it just becomes draining and eventually kills it. And so, what, hat we’re trying to do is, we are trying to get it at the top and look at how do you sustain it, like, there is always going to be ups and downs because that’s life but how do you keep it generally across or around where it is enriching.   

 Okay, thank you everyone. So tomorrow we’re going to talk about. The lottery, one more. Did you have some? 

Participant: Yeah, just really quickly I will be joining tomorrow, but it will be a bit late. Some playing golf again. Sorry, just.

Rob:  Yes, so yeah, we’re going to talk about the lottery of love and how you turn it into projects, processes, practices. Have a good night everyone and a good day, see you tomorrow.