Connection > Relationship

Rob: We are talking about the game of relationships tonight, so, let me just start by setting the tone and going through a few administration things, so basically, everything I do is based on 3 principles which is that problems happen, we can’t solve, like Einstein said, we can’t solve a problem from the same level of thinking, so it starts with challenging your thinking. 

The second one is we need to accept; we need to accept ourselves; we need to accept others and we need to accept the reality of whatever the circumstances is. It’s first challenge thinking, accept whatever we have ourselves, others and the reality and the last one is that we need to evolve.  Is that Life is about, if you look at what death is, its stagnation, and so we need to evolve and our relationships need to evolve, so, the aim of these 5 days is to provoke you to think differently about relationships, so, what I’m here to do is to challenge what you think you know about relationships, but it’s also accepting, its accepting that you are enough as you are here, and there is nothing about you that has to change and life isn’t going to change, so, we need to change our route, how we navigate relationships.  

So, there is 3 core things that I believe are at the route of the relationship journey and that is to think free, so as in thinking free of dogma ignorance and drama emotional, emotional biases. To be strong to tell the story that makes you strong, and to share your joy, so we connect from a place that’s more positive, that’s stronger and purer as opposed to connecting from like a relationship trying to fix someone or make someone stronger. Right so I’m going to, in the chat if you can put in, when you think of the game of relationships and we are not talking about being a player, but we are talking about game of relationships being an infinite game that we all play, how do we play the game, like what’s the strategy, or typically if you think about, Is that is that quite an abstract question? so if you think about like what’s the strategy, just I’m getting a lot of messages so I think there are a lot of people who can’t get in,  so I’m just going to check on  that but if you put in the chat, like what do you think when you think of playing the game of relationships, what do you, what comes up for you, so what we have covered so far is basically there is 3 key principles, which is to challenge your thinking because every problem is at the level of the solution is a different level of thinking as Einstein said accept who you are, accept others,  and accept reality and evolve, because life is about life is moving and when we start, when we stagnate, that’s really death

Okay, then there is 3 key things that I really want to talk about over these 5 days, that is, think free, free of dogma, free of ignorance,  free of drama,  be strong, tell the story that makes you strong and share the joy so that we connect from up from a positive basis, OK so we’re all in this together this is a relationship journey and we are all gathered because we are all interested in understanding what to do and I’m going to talk about where I think we’re in a relationship age of confusion and so we are pioneers we are in a new, I’m going to talk more about this but I think we are, we are a generation where everything is changing and we have to be the ones to learn how to navigate through it.  

So, this is going to be less of a discussion, less of a discussion we would normally have in a meet up because, there is so much to cover, I’ve spent ages on what do I cut down but I wanted to make it something that you could walk away from, having understood a couple of, 3 key concepts. 

Okay, so this is being recorded, its being recorded in video and audio,  I’m not going to put out the video because this is about,  more about being experiential,  so what I meant is I’m not putting  out the audio or the videos because this is about being experiential, it’s about being here, I may use some of it if I run this again,  I’m probably going to share bits so people have a taster of it, but it’s going be too much to edit it all to put it all out.  Okay so, what else, right so there’s going to be some,  so let’s talk about we here like I said we’re in this together so, we have to, I think, set the tone for this is how we can support each other to be stronger together is at times when his interaction,  when there is conversation, we can all gain from each other, none of us is right, none of us has all the answers but it’s in the friction of different ideas and different perspectives that will work out the solutions, so I would as 4 things of you really, to be vulnerable as in sharing what you think, Sharing who you are,  to be accepting,  no one needs to be judged or criticised,  we all need to be accepted, to be open to new ideas and if you are sharing or we are talking here to be as brief as you can so we can cover as much as we can. Okay so if you comfortable, if you can put it then you can if you put the video on so we can connect you, also if you can, there’s reactions you can share or thumbs up or think something like that if you don’t quite understand.  I’m not going to be looking too much in the chat as I’ve got a lot to cover,  but you can share your insights and your thoughts in the chat and there are people with different perspectives who can share and you can maybe answer some questions and I will look at them later and hopefully address them,  but we’ve got people so,  if we’re looking at Sandra,  Betty, Nicole who have been here, Yannos, who have been here most of the last year when we’ve been covering most of these ideas, so kind of know what I mean.  

okay so I want to talk about these, there is three things that people normally say about just my style which maybe if you’re not used to, one is that people say I’m very cold and logical and I talk about relationships in a very cold and logical way and there is a reason for that, because I think the way, well, because its naturally how I think, but also the reason we get into relationships is for how we feel, the way we judge how our relationships is going is how we feel, the problem a lot of people have is trying to navigate the relationship on how they feel and that’s how they get lost.  so, navigations as in the logical steps in what makes sense is about logic, because if you tried to use a sat nav based on what was the prettiest route and what made you feel best you would get totally lost and think that’s why so many people get lost in relationships.  

Okay, so, the other thing is sometimes, I’m told I’m too negative about relationships, erm, but this often comes from people that don’t have a lot of faith, because I genuinely believe that there is always something better and I think things are going to work out but I think that the thing that stops that is problems, so I talk a lot about problems, because I figure if you get rid of problems, your fine and you will know what to do and the other thing is that I talk very much in abstract, if you look on the internet, the most popular videos, the most popular books are very concrete, they tell you if someone does X, you do Y, if this is the text you send, if this is the, this is how you have to be, but when you’re at the level of content, t’s like being in the maze, so if you content is endless dead ends and its unique and this is why, so many people look at they might have these relationship and  this relationship but they don’t see the common thread and they don’t see the common thread because the situations all look different, but if you look, why does that happen, what does that happen, what’s the dynamic underneath that, so, if you look at the context it puts the content, it makes sense of the content, so, there is basically 7 problems in a relationship, 7 problems, 7 skills that  you need to develop, so, the reason it’s abstract is because it is universal to everyone, if you look at the abstract  it’s like being above the maze, where you can see the whole picture and you can see the path out.

(BIRTHDAY WISHES TO GAYLE)

It was Better in the pub Rob,

Okay, Erm, right, so, Gayle was in one of my first groups, which was an in-person group, that ran for about a year / eighteen months,

Gayle: Yes, 18 months, I was at the first one and the last one, talk about loyalty, huh, anyway, thanks a lot

ROB:

Right, Okay, Lets go, my central thesis is that we have all been sold a lie that sets us up to fail in relationships, and it’s a lie that makes us feel that we are the one  at fault, so if you look at, we live in a blame judicial system and legal system, so that the legal system is based on who is wrong, so when it comes to divorce it has to be someone at fault, apart from now they have got the new quickie divorce, so, that structure shows what we really think that relationship break up is individual error, that there is something wrong and this is one of the things, that when you look at the level of content, people go like, relationship fail, relationship fail, relationship fail but it looks like it was because of this person, it looks like it was because of this situation, but actually, and what I saw because of seeing lots and lots of different people going through the same dynamics is, it’s not the individuals, but it’s the individuals on the default relationship path, if you do  what, like the default programme we are given is to run on relationships then that’s basically what will happen so, I’m just going to share my screen, usually if we are looking at the default relationship graph, it’s going to run, ok on this side we have got satisfaction and we have got over time and so the default goes something like this, so we decline, so if you do nothing else and you just do the relationship the way everyone else does the relationship, let me turn it round so it makes sense, no, ok, so that’s basically what’s going to happen in relationship’s, so, there is a kind of a line, and, below that line it drains us and above that line it enriches our life and so a relationship that drains us sooner or later one or other of us is going to give up on it, because eventually, what’s the point of being in a relationship like that. A relationship that enriches us is one that we are going to want to stay in, it works for both parties, so what we are, our purpose is to try and change that curve but there is going to be ups and downs, but if we can keep it where it is enriching then the relationship is going to be more successful, does that make sense.

Ok, so, if you think about it, we have, there has never been a time when there has been more single people, usually, like if you go back 150/200 years there would be 150 people in the village, there would probably be 2 or 3 people that would the right age, social status and age that you could pick from, we have access to more people and not only that we have through dating apps, there is never been easier to access to people that you know are single, that you know are looking for a partner, so, the fact that most people find dating confusing and frustrating, the fact that relationships end up with a lack of connection and a disconnection, to me signifies there is a problem with the way we are doing relationships.  So, my goal over the next 5 days is to try and unravel the mysteries of the way people have tied themselves up in knots about relationships, so that we can see the path to build that kind of relationship, and a relationship is probably the most difficult thing that we will do, but it doesn’t have to, it can be simple, it’s not easy but it can be simple, because its natural one human connecting to another human.

Okay, so, let’s think about dating, now millions of people go on line, read books to date more effectively and there’s loads of books that will tell you the text to send, how to get laid, how to, what are the rules that you need to have to get the guy and all sorts of things. But basically, most of them start from the premise that you’re not good enough, they start that you have to be this way, you have to say this thing or do something different to get someone to love you. So, whether it is Consciously or unconsciously. They’re telling you that You’re not good enough. So, what most people do is pretend to be something to get someone and then years later we wonder why we are unhappy relationships and we don’t have good communication. 

Okay, So, Is everyone dating, is anyone in a relationship, or are we mostly dating or looking for someone?  if you can put in the chat

Okay, so has anyone, has anyone been on a dating site? Okay, has anyone come across someone really rude or some angry dickhead, who’s just makes it unpleasant? Okay, why, so we are in the relationship age of confusion. Confusion is the limbo state between something we know and something like when, when we, when we know something and the older way and the old way, When the old way is broken down. So, we used to be comfortable with a relationship like this. So, we’ve come out of the under control, we are now looking for a relationship like this kind of level. And so, the growth from there to there Is really about the frameworks that we use, the assumption’s that we have and I beliefs that we hold. So, the Change from there to there is one of expectations. 

Okay, so, the Problem is that, because we’ve gone from, we’re expecting more but our framework isn’t delivering that what we have now got is confusion, so it’s the relationship age of confusion, now if you’re confused for a long time then what happens is you get frustrated. When you’re frustrated and you keep trying something and it doesn’t work, what happens is you start to despair and if you stay stuck in despair for long enough and you can’t see any way out, then what happens if you get bitter? So, there are a lot of people who are very bitter about relationships, So there’s red pill theory. There are men going their own way, there’s women’s Equivalence, so there is Men hating women, women hating men. So, you’ve got kind of the red pill thing, there’s a lot of people despair who have given up on relationships don’t work, and I will just have a friend with benefits and yet they still really want the relationship. So, then there’s a lot of frustrated people. So, all of the nasty messages, all of the nasty behaviour on dating sites is really people who are in this zone, because they are using the default programme for relationships and it’s leading them into a dead end for what their expectations are. So, the solution Is to get clarity and that’s what we are going to try and do over the next 5 days, so clarity gives you the understanding of what to do. In itself is not enough. Because you also need the capacity. So, the capacity is the emotion, the emotional ability to cope, the emotional ability to be vulnerable, the emotional ability to do all of the things that you need to do in a relationship. We might know in communication what to say. We might know how to say it, but if we are too scared to say it, if we are too anxious to do it, then we’re not going to be able to do it. 

So, the next level is competence, if we have the emotional capabilities to succeed in that relationship journey the next level is the skills to do it, and then we have the skills to do it, we get confidence and we have confidence we have the certainty that we can do it. But the problem with right now is that a lot of people are wanting to jump from frustrated or confused or despair to confident and you can’t be confident, well you can but confidence without competence is a recipe for disaster, so you have to have the foundations, so you have the right, just the right framework. You have to have new emotional capability. You have to have the competence and relationship skills to be able to do it. 

Then if you have the confidence, its well-placed. So, I think the future is the age of choice. Meaning that we can have the relationships that we want. They don’t, in the age of control relationships had to be normal like heterosexual. They had to be, there was an expectation you were going to have children and relationships followed the same pattern, right, so, the problem with dating is not that people don’t want to sell down. It’s not that people don’t want relationships. It’s Not even the apps. It’s the fact that people are running a default programme of relationships and default way of using the apps and that is who do I have to be to be loved? So, in the chat, if you could type someone in a public eye that you feel a connection with, Someone Like You fee a connection from how they portray themselves.

Participant: When you say the public eye Rob, do you mean a well-known figure?

 Yes, someone that we would kind of know or even, who do you feel connected, someone that may be not family or you have a deep relationship with but someone that your like, ah, I feel a connection with them and if you think about what is it that makes you feel connected.

Participant: connected as in another person or connected as in?

Rob:  So, I am thinking look at when Princess Di died and that public outpouring because people felt the connection, who can remember Gazza in the World Cup when he was crying and, so it tends to be, so tends to be if you think about why, you feel connection with them. It’s usually the people that aren’t perfect. It’s the flaws and the foibles that we connect to, because that’s what makes someone human. And yet, everyone on these likes in dating is trying to be present by being perfect, trying to present that their flawless. It’s that inability to be vulnerable that makes, that enables them, you to connect to them. So, really when I’m talking about like this dating advice and relationship advice it’s really, we are born, we are born this tiny incapable baby that incapable of looking after themselves, we know nothing, everyone seems to know more than us Everyone seems to be stronger, be more capable, and so we learn that other people know more last that everyone else knows more than us and we learn that the world is kind of started a long time before we are in it. So, this world was in full flow and we have these huge governments, huge monolithic organisations, and in comparison, we feel tiny, we feel inadequate, we feel small, we are this tiny cog and there is this big government and we feel like we have to fit in. We have to do what other people tell us to do. But if you look that essentially, the only living thing are individuals. Governments and organisations only exist while we believe in them, and while we agree with the premise. Their agreements, because they’re tools for us but we often feel like then instruments of them. So, this is me being abstract again. But there’s a critical distinction in this because implicitly or explicitly, most ideas that you’ve come across haven’t really challenged this, they work on that assumption. So, the base of most relationship advice and dating advice is that the relationship is the goal, But the relationship Is the vehicle for two people, the relationship is a shared understanding, a shared agreement for the health of individuals. So, if you imagine, I don’t know if anyone plays golf, but you understand the idea that you got this big long fairway. You’ve got the green and you’ve got the hole. So, if you were to imagine in golf that you are aiming for the green but not the hole, because most golfers when you’re like a hundred 100 yards out or so, you aim for the green rather than the actual hole because the hole is too precise, right? But when you get close up, if you were to just aim for the green you would never be able to like manage like where you are going because it’s too big a target. There’s no specific place that is success. So, okay, In the chat. What are you looking for from a relationship? What is the relationship serving to give to you? I believe that what we really want is connection. Because connection, without connection, we just this individual that flowing through this spinning planet without any meaning and so, its connection that gives life gives our life meaning, it’s how we make sense of what we’re doing. So, what we really crave isn’t the relationship, the relationship is lazy thinking for connection, The relationship is the vehicle for connection. What we really want is connection because so many people are like it’s the relationship, it’s not the relationship because you know, if you have a shitty relationship, you’re going to have a shitty experience. What determines the quality of the relationship is the level of connection, a relationship is the space between two people, when we are connected that space is reduced and it’s more positive, when we are disconnected that space is increased and more negative. Okay, So, the point of that is that if we understand that we’ve got a basis that we can simplify relationships because it becomes the guiding principle of how connected do, we feel. Does this move us more connected or disconnected? Okay, so. Facebook apparently has 50,000 plus data points on every user. So that’s huge amount of information they track. What we browse, they check what we buy, what jobs we do, what groups, what we are interested in, what groups we like, who is in our network. And they know. And what they’ve perfected more than anyone else is they know that one day we’re not interested in buying something but three months from now. We’re in the market for it, and they know when to show us adds. They know what to show us when and they are insanely obsessed with us, with how, if, it, how do we feel what we are doing and they want to understand us like from moment to moment. 

Who’s been in a relationship where their partner has been that obsessed? With how they are feeling, who they are right that moment. Not so much. OK, so that downward curve of relationships Is because we think we know our partner because we know what they said yesterday. We think we know because of what they liked 3 months ago and we lose interest in them, because we assume that we know who they are. So, a relationship is the space between us, it’s a living, breathing dynamic that changes moments moment. Okay, who has plants? Right, so I have this very sickly, poor looking plant. Who kills plants and how do you kill them?

People, not looking after them. 

Not watering them,  

R: Yeah, too much or too little attention in the wrong environment okay, so if you don’t nurture a plant, you kill it, who’s killed a relationship?

Participant: Us, always us, because we are not paying attention for certain signs, sometimes to say that’s too much and sometimes it’s just not enough anymore.

R: relationships are overwhelming. So, you can feel that relationships are overwhelming and if you try and fix it from the level of content, you’re going to have endless problems. Endless things that you just don’t understand and you’re not able to fix. But if you focus from the context, it’s like key performance indicators. But you need to monitor and understand. So, it becomes manageable. Now most people are frustrated with relationships because they want easy. So, they want to believe that you meet this perfect person and everything is plain sailing and it’s the same line that we want to believe about relationships, about money that if you win the lottery that everything’s going to work out perfectly but research shows that most lottery winners one year after winning the lottery are less happy than before they won it, because what they haven’t accounted for was all the extra stress on the hassles that come with the money. So, in exactly the same way, there’s lots of single people that are just wishing that if they could just meet this right person. But if they run that default programme, they are going to have the same problems, the same hassle, the same relationship curve as they have before because it’s the framework that drives the journey. Right, so this is probably going to sound ironic from somebody’s who’s got a website called Make relationships simple, so, we can’t get away from relationships like relationships is an inbuilt need, that we want to be in relationship, So, we have this drive to do relationships but at the moment it for most people it’s confusing, frustrating and disappointing. 

Now the only route to be served of being successful in your relationship journey Is, there’s one secret, well not one secret, but there’s one path which is mastery and mastery is if you give something enough effort and you give someone enough attention and enough focus and enough practise, then you mean you’re able to master what it takes.

Now all of us have had to master walking, talking, all of those things that we basically you have to do as a human. The problem is that we never narrowed down and focused what are the things we need to do in a relationship and this is why it’s so important to focus on the context and not the content because it’s endless amounts. Okay, so mastery is about focusing on a few things that matter, So, who can drive? Okay, so driving is like a skill, which is really frustrating when you get through, but once you get it, you can kind of do it on autopilot, so who drives autopilot? Okay, who’s treated their relationships on autopilot. Okay. I don’t think we have any pilots, do we? I don’t think so but Steven, I think you’re looking a little bit like a pilot. Well, I’m just going to share a, I’m going to share a quick video with you, what’s involved in flying a plane!

Okay, you Probably still can’t hear it. I’m still getting the noise from that. Okay so, my guess is that flying a plane is a bit like flying a car, but just on steroids, as in there is a steeper learning curve and you have to be constantly aware. So, you have to be a lot more sensitive, you have to be a lot more aware, like when you’re going off course and that’s really the key distinction to a successful relationship journey and a less successful journey, it’s that you have to pay attention to what nurtures the connection, and what feeds the connection. 

Participant: Rob, were you going to give us more clarification on what connection is

R: Sorry, my volume is really low, can you say that again

Participant: Yes, were you going to give us more clarification on what connection is because you said ultimately what we are seeking in a relationship is connection

R:  Okay, so, okay, what do you think connection is? 

Participant: I think it’s being seen, heard, valued and affirmed for who you truly authentically are. 

R: When is the time when you felt most connected to someone? Like not necessarily one incident but when do you feel most connected and anyone in the chat sharing or jump in.

Participant:  When I feel seen and heard and validated. 

R: So, it’s When you’re who you are and it’s when you see someone for who they are, when someone lets down a mask and lets you in and so it’s that basic thing of accepted and feeling joined with someone, like you feel you’re in it with them. So, we are going to talk, I’m not sure if It’s tomorrow or Wednesday we’re going to talk about, like what I talk about deliciously nutritious relationship, So, right, I just have something, like a little task, for you to think about, I’m just going to share this screen, so if you can imagine if this, so here we’ve got, if you think about the most significant relationship you’ve been in and so it goes from a range from hell to miserable too unhappy to stell,  to bickering, to comfortable, to loving, to being blissful and if you think about year 1, year 2, year 3, year 4, year,  567 to 10. 

Right, where were you in year 1, where were you in year 2, year 3 and plot what was the relationship curve, so, I’m going to give you 2 minutes to think that through of your most significant relationship, what was the curve?

Participant: Starting Year 1, hmm, loving by year 10 miserable.

R: So when did it start to drop

Participant: Hmm, year 3 maybe

R: And how far did it drop from loving?

Participant: to unhappy then miserable by year 10, it I would never describe it as being hell but miserable. Actually, I don’t even know if I went through those stages going down. Maybe I did. I just felt like I was in a state of suspended animation. 

R: It doesn’t. You don’t necessarily have to pass through the stages, because the curve can go sharper, it can go 

Participant: Yeah, it’s just a state of as I said, suspended animation maybe

Participant 2: Rob when you say change the frame, change the game does framework mean your beliefs. 

R: Yes, certain beliefs and assumptions. I actually wasn’t intended share this. I was going to get the worksheet printed out but I ran out of time so this was my notes. Okay, and then I’m going to show you this one. So where are you on that scale? And you don’t need to share, but just to let your aware. So, this is when you get angry at men or women. When you like label people time wasters or losers, despair is when you feel like giving up on dating and relationships. Frustration is when you get angry at the environments, is likely frustrated at dating app. It’s like being frustrated at this person, its being frustrated at the situation. Confused is like feeling like you missed the memo about how dating and relationships, work, about your partner. So, clarity is when you can see the next steps and where you’re going. capacity was when you feel ready to find a partner and make a relationship work and competent is you could go out and find a partner and make a relationship work now and confident is 100% certain that you can have the relationship that you want. 

Participant: Rob, what if you were in the one at the end –  bitter, do you get angry at? 

R: okay, so, that’s men/women, its like red pill theory where men hate women and where there is like the ones the women hate men

Participant: what does that word say at the end? The what

R: Its whether people are calling each other, like, they are time wasters or losers

Has everyone got a location for themselves, there’s s one, this one, I I did notice, which is a common one and this is what is central for the idea today, it’s that what’s really important is that it’s a relationship, It’s your relationship journey. It’s not about the relationship. People usually feel stuck and frustrated because they feel that their relationship success depends on the other person. There is a whole world out there, there’s a whole, the whole dating sites, dating sites are a microcosm of life, so they have every type of life but your success depends on how you navigate through it. It doesn’t depend on the other person because you decide how you respond to that person? So, you don’t know. So, this is why a lot of people fixate on one person, they want to have a relationship with this one person, but you’re always stuck because if that’s the person you’re navigating around, then you’re stuck like if they’re tethered to the ground and you want to be here, you can’t live because then you’re dependent on them. 

When you understand that the world, it’s like there’s never been more single people, there is everyone that you could want to meet, so it’s about how you navigate, how you navigate through that relationship. It’s your journey because it’s really about how you connect to other people, because while you make it about their relationship that every relationship ends, it ends in death or ends in break up and so whilst you’re relying on making this relationship a thing then you’re trying to contain and control something and this is why so many people try to control the other person because they’re trying to manage, Because you can’t manage when you’ve got two fixed points, If you have, if the only fixed  point is you navigating you’re way to being happy then you can navigate that, but when you have a fixed point you’re stuck. Okay, is it normal for those feelings to be rapidly up and down? Yes. It is normal, the normal, the normal curve is kind of up and down, but there is always the point between this, Is basically the graph between connection and disconnection and its always up and down. So, connection is a dynamic thing and this is. This is where, where the. Likely the analogy with the lottery, because people want to win the lottery because they don’t want to have to worry about money anymore. But the problem is that when you have money, you have to worry about losing money, when you have money, you have to worry about who wants your money and who wants you, and so there’s all these extra stresses. So, the fantasy of winning the lottery is an escape from, from the challenge of life, of survival of being, feeling secure.  

The Fantasy of meeting the one and everything being, working out is an escape from the Challenge of being in the world and being connected because the real challenge of connection is that we go through life wanting what we want, and everyone else is going through life  wanting what they want and it’s when people are kind of blinkered and they don’t change what they want, that it becomes about controlling others, because you get stuck in this, I want this, they want this and so it becomes control to get what you think you need to be happy. Where is when you’re more open to the journey, it’s letting go of what, that whole journey is about letting go of what you think will make you happy for what you really find will make you happy, we have covered quite a bit, but with covered 3 central ideas. 

We have covered the idea that it’s about a relationship journey that the connection is more important than a relationship, that the key to relationships is nurturing the connection by sensitivity and awareness and the key in piloting the plane, not driving the car because drive the car is really sit back as I know how to do this, I don’t need to pay attention, piloting the plane the plane is you can know what you need to do, but you need to be monitoring all of these things and that’s, the analogy breaks down a little bit where it seems overwhelming, because it seems like a full Time Thing, but it’s the,  having the sensitivity to recognise, so typically most people go from being unhappy in a relationship, to unhappy in a marriage to ending the marriage and the average is 6 years, but if you’re really sensitive, in those  6 years you’ve picked up enough that you can change it or get out of it earlier. So, relationships don’t, don’t end in like a flash and so it can seem that lots of relationships end because someone cheats, because someone stops talking, because someone loses interest, because someone betrays, because all these things that are the things that break the relationship, but that behaviour came because they were already below, under the line. That’s not saying like sometimes people will be above the line and they will still cheat. Okay, because that’s, sometimes people don’t come to a relationship without willing to be vulnerable, without integrity, without empathy and respect and without kindness, but all of those behaviours are behaviours of below the line, they are what drain the relationship, so the actual incident that ends most relationships usually happen sometime after it’s been in the drain of the relationship, because if someone is really happy and satisfied in a relationship they don’t want to leave the relationship because if someone is enhancing your life, is enriching your  life you want that to continue. 

Okay, so the three lessons, connection is more important than the  relationship, it’s about the relationship journey, nurture the relationship and pilot plan rather than drive the car. 

So, what I want to do is, I’m going to the breakout rooms for five minutes and it’s not going to be group, as much as it can be, it’s going to be two people, so that you have a chance to connect to someone and to talk about how you fee, l how this applies to you, what insights you have and what you can share with someone else. 

So today has been about one key idea that it’s really connection that we are after and the relationship is the vehicle to getting that connection, So the key idea is that it’s a relationship journey. Most of frustrations and confusion people have is because relationships seem to be dependent on what other people do. this is why most wives moan about their husbands, most husbands moan about their wives and partners, erm, because we feel trapped, we feel like we are dependent on what the other person does, but it isn’t, people will do what people do, all of life is out there, like you have to be in a relationship with all kinds of different people and dating apps are a microcosm of life, so you have every type of person. What matters is how you navigate your journey, it is not what they do, it’s how you respond, what you accept, who you decide to connect with, on what level you can connect with. So, the age of control, I say like relationships, we have come from age of control because it was all about controlling the other person to do what I need them to do but you navigate as to whether it enriches you or it drains you. Does it bring you more connection or disconnection, so when you are with someone that shows you that you can build something with and you can have connection, then you need to feel like Facebook and obsess about nurturing that connection, you have to like a pilot and be sensitive to all the warning signs that you veering off course, because most of us have driven through relationships on autopilot and we have driven 50 miles without even being aware of the warning signals. So, connection is the goal of the game but let there be no mistake that this is a solo journey, your relationship journey is yours alone, now the frustrations and feelings of helplessness that people have is because they feel in relationship that they held back with someone else, your journey is how you navigate what other people do, not in controlling, manipulating, cajoling or trying to make Someone like you, so if you play the game well it’s because you have the clarity to know what to do, you’ll have to capacity to do it, the competence to make it work and the confidence to know that you don’t need a specific relationship because you could always make a relationship work. Because when you look at the world, there’s never been as many single people, there’s never been as much access to single people who even show what they looking for, so it’s all about how you devote your time, your effort, your attention and if you focus on the right things then you can’t help but win. So, the 3 key lessons, is connection is more important than relationship, nurture the relationship, pilot the plane not drive the car, now the good students and we met some of the bad students in the breakout rooms, think about piloting the plane. They are looking at wind temperature,   I don’t know, piloting is like way above my ability to comprehend, but they’re looking at wind turbulence they’re looking at other scientific stuff I don’t understand, So what are the factors,,  w what other things should we be  monitoring in our relationship, because the problem of that analogy is it can seem overwhelming and the message I wanted to get from the piloting is that level of this is off course, bring it back on course, how  do you know, what other things to be looking for in a relationship to know when it’s on course and when its off course. That’s your homework

Tomorrow we’re meeting again. OK before I go, does anyone want to share any insights, any perspectives, any 

Participant: I was going to  suggest that we could go round the room and give your key takeaways, that way we could all solidify our learning and maybe pick up something from each other

R: Yeah, Yeah, I think that’s a very good idea, ERM, so, okay, would it be better, okay, If I call, so I’ve got the organising screen, Yanos, you’re the first person next to me

Yanos: Well, I can personally can see most of the times we are not really present and we are afraid of how others are seeing us,  we shouldn’t be afraid, be just ourselves because  we want to know the package from the beginning, even if it’s not that great because we are humans, is that’s OK? There is nobody perfect and nobody should be think like that.

R:  I want to thank you Yanos actually, because you always have a consistent message of be present and I had a,  when I was just looking at what I was going to talk about it in deliciously nutritious relationships and like for those of you have seen it before. It’s like integrity, respect, kindness and respect wasn’t quite right because respect hasn’t,  some people see respect differently and what, in my mind was Yanos saying ‘be present’ and I was like, yeah, its that, but so yeah, I wanna thank you for helping me. With that.  Sam, any thoughts, perspectives?

Sam:  yeah, I think that the connection relationship is the vehicle for the connection, rather than it being about the relationship. The connection is so much more important, and how we need to put our energies there and to be able to realise when it is going off course and what we need to do to bring it back. 

Sarah: Yeah again, I agree with Yanos, it’s about being present today and just  being who you are and understanding. And been understanding yourself worth. and if you don’t understand your own self worth then your not going to understand your own journey and who you truly are and where you going.   

R: For me the biggest problem of relationships is that the world teaches us that we’re not good enough and we take that into relationships, and because we, we start with someone else’s framework, it’s a framework that makes us small and weak. So yeah, I agree. Steven?

Steven:  yeah it’s a funny thing you said about piloting. I used to work at Airbus so the start up procedure I have done in a A320. I have also flown the glider, and the difference is, as you said, the analogy of Driving is there, in when you’re driving, your subconscious is driving your subconscious, your switched off,  your not conscious and what they say is that, that’s  when you’re driving the best and at your most responsive,  If an incident happens or something happens to you, your subconscious reacts far more quickly than your conscious does and that and that Consciousness is essential when you’re learning, so I’ve, I’ve done dancing, partner dancing. and when you’re learning the moves, you can’t be subconscious because you don’t know what they are and you’re conscious and it’s all very awkward and difficult and then when you’ve learnt them your subconscious takes over but where you’re correct Is that you need to monitor what you’re doing, because if you’ve programmed your subconscious incorrectly, then that when things are going off the rails and the other problem is, is that we fall into patterns of behaviour so the relationships that failed before is going to be the same relationship approach that’s going to fail you in the future unless you relearn that, but the relearning process isn’t easy, so I think those comments, Yanos’ comments are  much simpler, really insightful about being present, by which he means being there rather than being, Just being yourself and being there and giving the other person space and being aware of the situation rather than being self aware, if you see what I mean, which which makes a lot of sense to me, because that’s being relaxed, but I rather think myself that you have to interact, so, you could be the person in a relationship that’s that’s messing it up, but equally it could be the other person and it’s that interaction, that corrective process that’s really difficult, at least that’s what I find, so in other words, most, being older,  I you know, I’m meeting people that are older and they have had that learning to mess up relationships, they’ve,  been through relationships that have failed it, It’s always a mutual responsibility, to me responsibility is kind of important and trying to try to guide somebody else into a good relationship is, is the difficulty, but that’s my insight to into this 

R: And we are on a Roll of S, so Sandra

Sandra: I think we need to accept that we are always learning and so we are constantly changing, we are evolving as, as individuals and that we bring those changes and those nuances into a relationship and it’s our responsibility to ourselves too, as individuals too not be afraid of change and not apologise for our evolution, but we need to be aware of the,  I don’t want to call it disruption, but the effect that it can have on a partner as we, as you, as the relationship moves forward, but also of concern is to me is not being heard, when you stop being heard but also on the other side, When I stop, I stop hearing because it’s a two way street and there comes a time when you can get to the point where you feel why bother and as it also speaks to what Yanos is saying, being present and if you’re not present, you won’t hear,  and if you don’t hear then communication breaks down and to me, if communication breaks down then then, then, You are not only doing yourself a disservice, the other person a disservice, but you’re also doing yourself a disservice, because what you need to get to enhance the relationship you’re not getting because you are not able to respond as you ought to, if you were listening to your partner.

R: Okay, Thank you, Betty?

Betty: Yes, thanks for sharing everything today Rob, I’ve learnt quite a bit, my key takeaways from today are relationships are about connection and that the relationship is the vehicle for connection and not the goal itself and underpinning that is authenticity which is to say be your true self which is the opposite of believing your not good enough and to have the courage to be vulnerable and accept our flaws and not be a perfectionist and also that a relationship is a dynamic space between us that we need to invest the time and effort into it otherwise it will die like a plant.

Participant: Okay, from the beginning, the word honesty was coming to me very often and also awareness because that way I look at myself and why I joined this group is to learn and I’m continuing to learn and what I’ve learnt from my past relationships during the present time is that I see a lot of behaviours sometimes surfacing and I am more aware of what is triggering it and sometimes it’s not the other person, it’s within me and has nothing to do with the person in front of me and being able to see that and be honest about, about it to the other person, being able to communicate and being aware of it is what helps me to grow and be more connected with the other person if that makes any sense.

R: Yeah, Thank you, ERM, Ray

Ray: Okay, I’m coming, well, ERM, I don’t know, like,  we should talk about the lessons we have gained today 

R: yes, what’s your, anything you would want to share briefly of how felt, what you thoughts

Ray: actually, I really the idea of the connections theory of today’s lessons, but I’ve got like a personal like question that, like that people who are good at making good connections are rare to find, its not only about our own effort to make but kind of like person and I always feel like there are less of alike persons so, ERM so easy to find and personally I feel like, I can try to make some connections to other people but that the feedback are always not enough

Rob: Yeah, Okay, so it’s, a relationship is about other people but it’s about navigating to the one you can build the connection with and away from the ones, or not away from but you connect to people at the level at which they let you connect.

Ray: yes, but I feel like that there is not 

Lucy: I guess for me the important kind of reminder was the autopilot, even really like if we are in quite a fresh relationship it’s still kind of there are points when we are subconsciously not really thinking if we are doing that much, and not being that attentive and not giving our full attention  so its a good reminder of that and being present and also like the connection, I remembered something from the previous, you mentioned it also, that it is like,  the most important thing about the sessions previously, that the openness and how much connection I can make depends on both of us letting the other person in and I think that its really important to me as, before I had my first relationship, they were kind of giving me ideas, like, I need to play games, I need to be mysterious, I need to hide something so they always have things to discover, I didn’t quite feel it right and I didn’t want to do it and I’m glad I didn’t do it in this relationship and that my partner isn’t doing it I hope, so, yes, I think I ties well to not good enough as well, like if you always feel like you need to make the mysteries but it’s going to make yourself look better but then it’s going to inevitably fall apart if your going to live together for a long time, like if your seeking the big connection it will uncover that you are pretending something.

Gina: The thing I think I learnt today is something that is close to me, being a logical thinker, you said that I underlined it, you said, navigating a relationship is not about how we feel logically rather it is how it is, I felt that to be able to understand relationship I should be able to master the mastery of the relationship and the journey because most of the time I’m missing the connection because I’m too logical rather than being too connective, what do I need, maybe I have business that I’m logically following rather than to be open to understanding this person for who they are and what they can offer and what I can offer and what I can solve them and they can solve me and how together this relationship journey can be fulfilling to all of us and I think that it something I will reflect on for this week and see how I can become a master by growing and rewiring my thinking.

Nicole: Hello, I think honesty, mutuality, is important so both of you being honest with yourself and each other, so that you can grow together basically and for both of you to be willing and wanting to put in the same amount of effort to move it to that new level of connection.

Julie: I don’t know if I can make a contribution really because as you know I joined late tonight, so I came in part way through so I’m not 100% sure what I take  from this evening, maybe the connection, I don’t know, I’ve just come out of a 2.5 year relationship, he ended the relationship with me 2 weeks ago and I’m still trying to come to terms with it, I’m very sad and I guess I am hoping that joining these sessions will help me to understand perhaps where I went wrong.

R: Sorry to hear about that, I think most of us who are on the call have been through, we all kind of know that time after a break up, ERM, where it’s always difficult but having seen lots of people go through it, for many people  like the point where they felt like everything is over but later they find that it was kind of a turning point you look back on and it can be for the best where you go on to something else, and last but not least Faywoo

Faywoo: I have a different take on whether we are good enough, I think that if we are good enough we should be ourselves, be honest to ourselves and not try to be anyone else, but we are not, our current form is not good enough, we should strive to be the best that we can be always and I also happen to believe there is the one for us, it may not be what we expected, what we wanted but it will be exactly what we needed. What we need.

R: okay, thank you everyone and hope to see you tomorrow night, same time, same  Zoom link, have a good day, a good night